You've stumbled upon Ishi-chan's blog, Illegal Suicide! You'll find plenty of teenage venting here. I chose the name Ishi as my Japanese nickname not because it means stone, but because it also means "death by hanging." I am very laid-back and stoic, though, so I guess the other meanings fit as well. Hosted by Pitas.Com because they're the best! =D
This layout features Aerith and Cloud from Final Fantasy: Advent Children. Made with pictures from advent-children.net and effects in Photoshop Elements. Best viewed with 800x600+ resolution and IE6+ or Firefox. The Japanese on it sucks.
I feel like everyone's slowly shutting down...Eight days ago was the anniversary of September 11th. I still remember that day in 7th grade when I felt scared for the first time in my life.. seems like. I wasn't afraid... jsut enraged that someone could do such a thing.
But--
No one said ANYTHING about the day. At least last year someone put up flags to commemorate the day. But... no one said anything. I brought it up on Furc and I just got a bunch of ambiguous replies.
I mean, what the fuck. it's like, if you're ignorant about this sort of thing, what's the war for? People are forgetting the bullshit reasons Bush gave us and just accepting the Iraqi War for what it is, and that's wrong. How can they just sit by and let this happen? Armageddon is calling, folks, and while it might not be in my lifetime. it's certainly seeding as I sit here, typing this.
And yet I look around I see business as usual. Occasional grumbling about oil prices, but... nothing else. And what about the shit in Louisiana? Bush, WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?
It didn't take a natural disaster for me to realize that our president is a fucktard. I'm ashamed and disappointed that so many people had to DIE and DROWN and PERISH and GRIEVE because of some terrible preparation on his part. What the fuc kwas he doing that was more important than the birthplace of American music and a cultural hotspot?
To say I'm pissed off is an understatement. I hate Bush for being Cheney's puppet, and I hate Cheney for existing, and I hate the American society for being so passive in a time of unjust war and strife.
Makes you wonder what it would be like if a woman were in office.
Well, I talked with Jesse yesterday about my predicament, and he pointed outt hat I was PMSing. I completely forgot how emotionally fucked up I get when I'm about to go on my period. (It's because my period isn't regular at all. It's never even been close to 28 days. I went a year and a half without having mine, and I paid for it in October.)Anyway. I'd like everyone reading this to disreguard the past couple posts-- I woke up this morning feeling NOTHING towards the mentioned person. I think it was just a random act of PMS, seriously.
I don't have feelings for that person. At all.
And I love Leirune.
I am so fucking screwed right now. No one I can talk to is online. Mary's in bed. God...
Cody, Tim, Urian-- all of them. They are all but shadows on my mind as my old empathy surfaces again, lurking.I have caught it, but I fear, for it has caught me.
A shy boy, a wonderful artist, a brilliant musician, an excellent roleplayer, a new friend. And me, a shy girl with the occasional loud mouth, with the slight fear of older men, a moderately-talented artist, a beginner at guitar, an adventurous roleplayer, attracted to the most damaged people, who gets mad when the kindness she gives is taken for granted.
God, I hate this so much. It goes against everything I want for myself.... or does it? He's in college, Sarah. College. Pull yourself out of it. Stop daydreaming. Or else it's gonna get worse. Lots worse.
I wish I had never joined Leirune.
Every time I go to upload something to VCL, I am reminded of how shitty it is.Look at this thing. Just because I complained about how someone yoinked my art off there, I get this in an email:
"Please don't use the description field to make announcements.
Yes, its great publicity, but the more people that do this, the more it makes the VCL look like crap."How unprofessional is that? Frickin' a**. I'm going to use Deviantart from now on, because it sucks less.
xX Psycode Xx: Your wbbie sucks. D
Miso no Jutsu: My what?
xX Psycode Xx: Website.
Miso no Jutsu: IT DOES NOT.
Miso no Jutsu: stfu bastard
Miso no Jutsu: D:
xX Psycode Xx: And your coding has alot of errors.
xX Psycode Xx: XD
Congratulations, fucker. I hope you choke on your own semen and DIE. You're mean without ANY reason. Just before this, we were talking about our shop. Shop or no shop, you're still a bastard who does things without thinking of the emotional consequences of others.
I hope you rot in hell.
Why? Why do you tick me off so much? Why do you apologize, then forget you apologized and do it AGAIN?
God damn it. I'm so upset that my left arm is really shaky and useless, like it can't move. Kind of like Naruto. Weird.
Talking with Cody on AIM right now...
Miso no Jutsu: You're the last person I want to talk to right now.
xX Psycode Xx: o.o
xX Psycode Xx: Um
xX Psycode Xx: Sorry?
Miso no Jutsu: DO you even understand that concept?
xX Psycode Xx: Yes.
Miso no Jutsu: Really. I'm surprised.
God. It's so hard to type with only one good hand. Why can't my arm move?
God. This is so fucked up. I should just block him and be done with it. I don't have any attachments to him, not really. Tomorrow he;ll just pop up all blithely again like he usually does, and he good, then suddenly do something mean without any provocation.
Argh. Just argh.
My left arm is getting worse... Now I can barely move it across the keyboard.
Oh my fucking god. He said it sucked just because he wanted to boost his ego. Well, if what he says is true and he's just a dumbass little freshman, I could go to his house and kick his stupid little ass.
xX Psycode Xx: Please forgive me.
Miso no Jutsu: At this rate, I'm not going to be your friend any longer.
Miso no Jutsu: Why should I/
xX Psycode Xx: And basically anything else I said that offended you...
Miso no Jutsu: You do this EVERY FUCKING DAY.
Really, why should I put up with this shit?
I don't deserve it, do I?Argh, my arm. It's like that feeling you get when you've slept on it during the night, concentrated around my elbow. Maybe he's poking a voodoo doll or something.
Now he's all... "I'm such an idiot, I'm sorry, I won't do it again, I lie to myself." I've heard this.. what... five times since August?
My arm is still shaky. Goddamn.
... 6:23pm. He just got me to give him another chance. But is he forgiven? I think not. For now, I'll play along with his silly little game. I'll smile, I'll laugh, but it's all fake from now on.
God. I hate this.
ARGH. I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL CODY.
ChefWithoutIron: GOD DAMN IT, HE WENT AND FUCKING PISSED ME OFF AGAIN.
Nightambre: O.O
ChefWithoutIron: I feel like I'm going to cry.
ChefWithoutIron: I CAN'T SAY ANYTHING WITHOUT HIM FUCKING CONTRADICTING ME.
ChefWithoutIron: HE APOLOGIZES. AND THEN HE DOES IT AGAIN.
If you're reading this, Cody, I fucking HATE YOU.First, he complains about being all depressed and being unable to make friends. Then he gets a girlfriend and he brags to me about how soft she feels and how nice it is to hold someone and what her bra size is (after numerous repeated attempts to tell him NO) and then he's always hitting on me (he says it's a joke). And that was just the past two days. And then TODAY he goes on and on about "would you go out with me if you knew me IRL" and I had to tell him about five or six times that NO, I do NOT go out with people online. And then he's like, "But if you knew be IRL, it would be different." NO IT WOULDN'T. So I had to tell him about how I 'read' people online through their words and stuff, and that I already can tell that I'd hate him. Not to mention that I absolutely HATE incredibly emo people, because they get ME emo, and he's somehow offended by that, but he says he isn't and he tries to apologize for it.
So then I restart my computer, and he pops up, and he's like "hey what's up" like nothing happened. So I make my point clear to him, I'm sick of his shit, I'm sick of this "*hugglekisslurf*" stuff because it makes me uncomfortable. I don't go out with guys online (because of Tim) and I never will. And then he ahs to go off and annoy me again by contradicting everything I say and come out as the right one, like when he said he was republican and he was defending Bush. I will NEVER like that man, and I can't help but feel like he's manipulating me, trying to control me by making me feel stupid.
Goddamn. That's the fifth time in the past two days he's pissed me off. He's like a terrible combination of the Old Tim and Urian. I just can't help but want to cry. I want to fucking kill Cody right now. I know that isn't healthy at ALL. It's just.... I've been ranting about him to my friends for some time now and it's about fucking time that I stood up for myself and told him to stand down.
God. Why are men so dumb?
Oh, and I forgot to add that I'm slipping back into my bipolar depression because of him. it's enough to make me give up on men entirely.
*sigh*
Yeah, I've been slightly busy. I'm actually going to the Kumoricon! I don't have the money yet, but I'll get it soon. x3On Thursday my mom is having the pins in her ankle removed, and they'll be doing something really gross to the muscles in her legs so she can move better. (I'm getting sympathy pains just thinking about it.) Most likely I'll be spending Thursday night with Sachi and then on Friday, I'll be going up to Spork's weenie roast with her. And then I'm in the hands of God after that, because the Kumoricon starts.
In other news, I offended a guy who was hitting on me on Gaia with a lesbian comment. He forgot gay people exist, so he immediately thought I was a guy posing as a girl. As if! My second middle name is Pass My Shotgun. Anyway, I took it the wrong way (on purpose) and pointed out that he only hates me because I'm bisexual, and that pissed off the mods of the guild, so he got reprimanded. xD Wow, I'm so evil. I didn't mean for him to get attacked by everyone else in the guild, really... They just saw him as easy prey. That's what he gets for using the name "Rage." XP
Let's see what I have going on.
Goings-on
+ guild thing with Aeon Lorus on Furcadia
+ Kumoricon
+ 4 requests to do
+ Feudal Fire RP starting
+ Haruka Kanata
+ OMG Naruto RP
+ Update DA
+ Update SD
+ School clothes and miscellanyI think this is it. I'll probably remember more. Like my library book. And trying to get wings. I gave my phoenix to Fang because I'm never on as Bebedora anymore. Oh well. xD
Until next time! *explodes*
Well, new layout is up, page is archived, and I'm tired. I have soooooooo much to do still. Maybe I should make a list.- finish SD
- finish Feudal Fire storylines
- decide whether or not to keep Furc and phoenix
- record Darkness Falls
- finish designing other characters for FF
- find tone-deaf ninja bard a home for RP
- beat Chrono Cross (not in my lifetime, sheesh)
- draw Shishitou
- write more on Satan storyEtc, etc, etc. Here's what I have written on my "satan story" so far. The title I have now is sHarks. I'll probably change it. It refers to Barenaked Ladies a lot too.
--------
Ed froze with his hands on the steering wheel, knuckles white with stress. His blue Geo continued on at the same speed, tires unslipping. Ed could see a light in his eyes, but it was not the gates of Heaven nor the grace of God. It was the twin headlights of the huge SUV in the opposite lane swerving toward him.
He didn't feel the impact, so to speak. The SUV simply rolled over the little blue car, crushing it flat with its three-quarter-ton weight. The 25-year-old man inside would be in pieces if he could ever emerge from the twisted metal, glass, and plastic that was his vehicle.
In the chaos and confusion, Ed found something serene. The smells of mingled gasoline and oil all but vanished from his senses, as did the nightmare of being mutilated by his own car. He found himself standing in a white expanse so suddenly that he stumbled, his balance failing from the change of pace. He inspected himself with nothing short of awe and amazement: his arm, severed just three seconds ago, worked perfectly well.
Soft, sophisticated footsteps drew him from his thoughts. A man had appeared from the depths of oblivion, sporting a pinstripe pepper suit and a well-trimmed beard. Something about him unnerved Ed, but he couldn't quite place it. There was every reason to trust this man, and every reason not to.
"Am I dead?" Ed asked stupidly. He was never one to think before speaking.
"You are Edward Kevin White." It was a statement, not a question. Who was this man who could just teleport him away from certain death and speak his name like that?
Ed nodded, but the man didn't care for hesitation. "I have a deal I'd like to propose..." And the man smiled slowly, one that stretched over half of his face.
A deal? Ed glanced over the man once more. Proud lines stood in his face, the nauseatingly clean beard and combed hair only added to the effect. Was this God? No. God would never exhibit such an air of selfishness, greed, or evil. There was only one deity capable of such power other than God, and that was...
The man smirked. "Yes, I am the one called Satan." So the man could read his thoughts, and probably twist them to his advantage. This was not a good sign. If he angered Satan, would God praise him? Save him? Ed ventured a line of his own.
"I'm not going to make any type of deal with you." He felt his confidence waver, then strengthen. "I don't make pacts with the devil." His blue eyes hardened. Satan could give him anything he wanted... for a price. Eternal damnation just didn't appeal to Ed at this point.
Ed was only a variably religious man. He prayed whenever he remembered. He was baptized when he was seven. And yet, there was barely any faith to hold up that baptism. Was he paying for it now? Why would the Lord of Lies want him, a normal man with normal problems?
Satan spread his arms wide in a gesture of friendliness and sincerity, which only pushed Ed further to the edge. "Hear me, and you might find favor in this deal. Edward, you are dead in this world. But you are not dead to Me. I can make you alive again. I can have you survive the crash by naught but a miracle. I can give you another chance. Will you give Me a chance?"
---
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